The 4 Things that will Destroy your Relationship with your Spouse or Partner

Have you and your spouse or partner felt like roommates for quite some time? Maybe the only time you truly feel connected is through physical intimacy while there is ice instead of emotional intimacy otherwise. You know you “love” your partner or spouse but do not feel this love anymore. What is going on? Something is wrong but you just do not know how to articulate it…

This next series of blog posts are focused on helping you identify those things that are pulling you away from your spouse. I pull from the over 40 years of couples research conducted by Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman to help you identify what it is that is wrong in your relationship. 

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Couples Counseling and Couples Therapy in Long Beach, CA

The Gottmans have identified what they call the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These 4 Horsemen are as follows: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. These are the top 4 characteristics the Gottmans found in their over 4 decades of research that are consistent in couples across cultures, genders, and sexual identifications. So what are these 4 Horsemen?

Criticism

In short, criticism is when we bring up a flaw or deficiency in a person’s character. Often times in a relationship this looks like bringing up character flaws in place of voicing a complaint. An example of criticism would be, “You are such an inconsiderate slob and leave all the housework to me” versus, “I need help with the housework and have felt it has been mainly put onto my shoulders.” The former criticizes a person’s character while the latter voices a need for assistance in housework. 

Defensiveness

Defensiveness often follows close behind criticism as this is an attempt to protect oneself and character from potential attack. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely accomplishes what a person is hoping for and escalates negative interactions with your partner or spouse. This is because defensiveness comes across as blaming and minimizing your partner’s concerns. 

Contempt

This is a big one and the NUMBER 1 predictor of relationship demise. Contempt. Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman define contempt as the following, “To put your partner down or speak with scorn. It’s putting oneself on a higher plane, looking down from a position of authority with an attitude of, “I’m better/smarter/neater/cleaner/ more punctual, etc. than you.” 

In layman's terms, you are being mean. Truly and utterly speaking with disgust, loathing, and superiority to your partner. This often looks like name-calling, insulting, and putting your partner down.

Stonewalling

Lastly, the fourth horsemen - stonewalling. This is normally a response to contempt and involves the listener emotionally withdrawing from their partner while staying physically present. It is as if there is a metaphorical stone wall between them and their partner. The partner may start to look away or stare at their partner with a glazed look in their eyes. This is a physiological response to being emotionally overwhelmed. 

But why the weird name? 

The Gottmans named these characteristics the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse as a metaphor from Old Testament descriptions of the end times. The 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, “...describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to [the Gottman’s] research, can predict the end of a relationship.” 

How do we work on this in couples counseling?

Fortunately, the Gottman’s also developed strategies to “cure” these characteristics. We call these the antidotes to the 4 Horsemen. In the following blog posts, I am going to explain in-depth what each of these horsemen looks like and how to utilize the antidotes to strengthen your relationship. 

If you are struggling with your marriage, partnership, or committed relationship I would love to help. Call me today for a  FREE 15-minute consultation at 562-353-7136 to see how a plan and the right therapist can make a difference in your relationship today.

If you are interested in learning more about marriage counseling, couples counseling, or couples therapy with me click HERE to read more. 

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