Does it feel like every time you communicate with your spouse or partner it comes out as a criticism? Or maybe, it is the opposite. Maybe the majority of your partner or spouse’s communication comes out as a criticism and you feel as if your partner can see nothing good in you anymore. Even though you are trying and doing your best it never seems good enough.

Criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner, that they are defective.

That is the thing with criticism. It leaves little space for identifying needs but instead focuses solely on the character flaws of the one we claim to love the most.

So what exactly is Criticism?

The Gottman Institute defines criticism as, “... bringing up an issue in a way that focuses on your partner’s character or personality flaws rather than on what you would like them to do differently. Criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner, that he or she is defective. This may include blame, name-calling, and general character assassination” (Avoid the 4 Horsemen, pg 3).

Dr. John Gottman found that the way a conversation is started determines (with 96% accuracy) the conversation's outcome. In other words, starting conversations with criticism has a 96% chance you and your partner will feel worse than when you started. Let’s take some time in the next section to identify the most common types of criticisms we commit.

Types of Criticism

Exaggerated statements

Exaggerated statements include words like always, should, never, every time, all the time, and constantly. These leave little room for the reality of humanity’s constantly changing and adaptable behaviors. These statements almost always include the word “you” which is a surefire way to exhibit criticism. Examples may include, “You never help with the housework,” “You are always late,” or “You are constantly nagging me.”

“Why” or “Should” Statements

“Why” statements may come out as genuine questions but are expressed and received as criticisms. “Should “ statements imply your partner “should have known,” aka they should have been able to read your mind and know your desires/needs intuitively. Examples may include, “Why did you respond that way?” “You should have known to take out the trash.” Both of these statements imply a superiority of knowledge and produce shame and guilt for your partner or spouse.

Jokes about your partner’s flaws

These are particularly hurtful and are easy to dismiss as “it was just a joke.” Joking about your partner’s flaws is not just a joke. These are deep hurts being expressed passive-aggressively in a way that shames your partner. These are also a sign of contempt which we will cover in a few weeks.

Fixing something your partner did “wrong”

This form of criticism is also easy to miss as it usually is done quietly and nonverbally. This is when a partner will go in and “fix” something the other partner had already done. One of the most classic examples is reloading the dishwasher after your partner “did it wrong.” This form of criticism implies that the original partner who completed the task is incapable of doing the task “right.”

Concern shared from a place of anger and resentment

While it is important to voice concerns and needs in relationships, the way we voice these concerns is essential. Even if the concern is legitimate, concerns communicated with a tone of anger, annoyance, or resentment it will be received as criticism.

So does this mean I “should never” express concerns, needs, or complaints?

See those “should” and “never” words coming up?

Of course, we need to be able to communicate needs, concerns, and even complaints in relationships. How we do this is key though. In next week’s blog post I am going to focus on what is called the “antidote” to the first horseman of criticism - the gentle startup. Stay tuned!

According to research, couples wait an average of 6 years before getting help in their relationship after conflict has started. Do not let that be you. There is hope for healing and healthy relationships. If you and your spouse or partner are in need of help reach out for your free 15-minute consultation today at 562-353-7136.

Criticism - What is it and Why is it Poison for Couples and Relationships