The Antidote to Defensiveness

The Antidote to Defensiveness in Marriage Therapy and Couples Counseling Near You

Last week I identified and explained the 2nd Horsemen of the Apocalypse - defensiveness. Quick refresher, as defined by Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, “Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, to ward off a perceived attack.”

I see this strategy used weekly, if not daily, in couples counseling and marriage therapy. One partner brings up a complaint or criticism, which immediately is met with defensiveness. Instead of productive conflict management and validation, the conversation quickly escalates into a full-blown argument. 

Fortunately, we have an antidote, or strategy, to manage this destructive Horseman and put him in his place. The antidote is simple, it is quick, and boy-oh-boy it is effective. 

The Antidote…

Take responsibility. Own up. That is it. 

Even if the complaint or criticism involves your partner’s behavior, take a second and ask yourself, “What is my contribution to this, and why are they upset?” When you figure it out, communicate that contribution by taking ownership and responsibility. 

In the previous blog post we used the following example to illustrate defensiveness: 

Criticism: “I am really tired of you losing track of time and being late. You’re always late!”

Defensive Counter-attack: “You’re just too uptight. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m never that late. Besides, you were the one who was late last night.”

Defensive Innocent Victim: “I wasn’t late on purpose. You’re always picking on me. No matter when I get there, it’s never early enough. I can’t do anything right to please you.”

If the defensive partner was actively working to apply the antidote to defensiveness and de-escalate the conflict, their response could have looked like this:

Antidote: “You’re right, I’m sorry for being late tonight. I’ll try harder to be more aware of the time.” 

Yes, in this example partner one criticized and blamed partner two’s character, which is hurtful and unproductive. When we are working to manage conflict, we need to focus on ourselves and our responses. In other words, taking ownership of our piece of the conflict and communicating this clearly. In doing so, you can quickly and effectively de-escalate tension during the conflict, prevent further emotional escalation, and validate your partner’s underlying emotions/needs. All with one or two sentences?! Pretty powerful.

I want to challenge you, readers, to try this. See how it works in your relationships. Can taking responsibility for even a small piece of conflict change your relationship?

If you and/or your partner or spouse are feeling angry, frustrated, or alone in your relationship, know that there is hope for healing. Please call today for your FREE 15-minute consultation or schedule online here to see if I could help you through marriage therapy or couples counseling. There is no need to suffer alone any longer. 

Keywords: Marriage therapy near me, couples counseling near me, Gottman Method, The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Relationship, Conflict Resolution, Conflict management