The Antidote to Contempt
In the last blog post, we discussed the 3rd Horseman of the Apocalypse - Contempt. This is the most dangerous and destructive horseman because it will end a relationship the quickest. As Dr. Gottman says, contempt in its simplest form is saying, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”
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So how is a couple supposed to come back after contempt has been steeped in their relationship?
Well, the answer is simple but not easy. The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. This is particularly hard when an individual or couple is overwhelmed with negative sentiments toward their partner but it is the only way contempt can be reversed.
So what do I mean by appreciation? Appreciation looks like not only recognizing the good things in your partner but also enjoying them. This means verbally telling your partner the things you appreciate about them or things they have done. It also means preemptively communicating with appreciation. For example, a contemptuous communication may be, “I cannot believe you forgot to pick up your socks again. You are so gross and lazy.” An appreciative communication that still states the need may look like, “Hey hon, I know you are tired after a long day at work but I would appreciate it if you picked up your socks. It helps take one thing off my plate.” In the latter response, the partner is communicating their appreciation and understanding of their partner’s long day at work but still expressing their need for support in cleaning up their shared living space.
A culture of appreciation also means allowing yourself to exist within the appreciation. This part may seem vague. Let me explain. When we allow ourselves to exist within appreciation we are having positive interactions with others instead of being consumed with our contempt or negativity. We start to see the good in each other and maybe even the things we used to love about each other. Through Dr. John Gottman’s research, he has found that the “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions in a healthy relationship is 5:1. He calls it an emotional bank account. Every time we participate in a culture of appreciation by giving a compliment, saying thank you, and regularly showing admiration or appreciation we “make a deposit” in a metaphorical emotional bank account. Every time we have a negative interaction with our partner there is a withdrawal of about 5 positive interactions from the bank account. Again, this ratio is in what Dr. Gottman calls a positive relationship. I can only imagine how many more positive deposits are needed in unhealthy relationships.
To engage in this antidote there must be intentionality. It is not easy, especially when contempt was built from past hurts. If you need support in building a culture of appreciation within your relationship and eliminating contempt let me help. Click here to book a free 15-minute consultation to see if I am the right therapist for you. Let me help you thrive in your relationship today!
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