Boundaries… What are those?

How setting boundaries can help you manage your anxiety in Long Beach, CA

Waves of Anxiety

Have you ever had that overwhelming wave of anxiety? Where you feel you must do such-and-such so that your boss, your friend, or your partner will be happy? Or maybe you have felt overwhelming guilt and anxiety in taking time for yourself to rest, log off of work at 5 pm, or take a lunch break. If you have answered YES to any of these there is a good chance there may be resentment growing in your chest. 

This is also a sign that boundaries have been crossed. Now, you have heard the word “boundaries” thrown around like a water balloon but what do boundaries, or having boundaries, even mean? And how do we know that any boundaries were crossed?

What and why boundaries

In short, boundaries are the rules and limits we put in place to protect ourselves and others. These are some of the hardest but most loving things you can implement in life to care for yourself and others. Boundaries protect your relationships from things like contempt or resentment. Boundaries help us preserve a rhythm in life that allows for our autonomy and the autonomy of others to be respected and valued. 

But how do we do this? As a general rule, boundaries are always kind, respectful, and loving. If you find yourself setting a boundary by calling a person a name, criticizing their character, or humiliating them, you have done it wrong. 

Describe Your Own Wants, Emotions, and Needs

For starters, we focus on describing our own wants, emotions, and needs not the other persons. Something as simple as this script, “I feel  ____ because____. I need ____” will do the trick. In practice maybe a personal boundary for you is promptness and being on time but your partner is continually late. Setting the boundary may look like this, “I feel frustrated because we are perpetually late. I need there to be better time management so we can arrive on time for our commitments.” This obviously is a very simple and direct example, but you get the point. 

Stick With Your Boundaries

Secondly, we have to stick with our boundaries. As a general rule of thumb, people who do not have their own boundaries are not going to like it when you start setting them. Boundaries are inconvenient for others. It requires them to be considerate of your needs, which may mean they need to make some adjustments on their end. Expect that your boundary will be tested. THIS IS WHEN IT IS MOST IMPORTANT. (I wrote this in all caps because it is really important). Again. THIS IS WHEN IT IS MOST IMPORTANT. Your boundaries are going to be tested. When they are tested the other person is seeking to see if you mean it. Kindly repeat your boundaries and follow through to reinforce these. 

Reinforce Boundaries

You may be asking, but how do I reinforce boundaries? The best way you can reinforce boundaries is by repeating and following through with your boundary. In the prior example, this may mean after communicating the boundary and need for timeliness to their spouse, the individual leaves for the commitment on time while the other spouse has to catch up later. Reinforcing boundaries is unique for every person and situation. There will be growing pains as we start incorporating these into our lives. 

Takeaway

Remember boundaries are the rules and limits we set to protect ourselves and our relationships; boundaries involve recognizing your own needs and feelings; boundaries are generally met with a level of resistance, and boundaries come with their fair share of growing pains. 

If you are ready to be empowered in your relationships through setting boundaries and managing anxiety gives me a call for a FREE 15-minute consultation at 562-353-7136. I would be happy to help in your healing journey from dysfunctional anxiety, panic attacks, relationship issues, and the perinatal/postpartum journey.